Loneliness again

So, recently as of today, there was this sense of loneliness that just dawned on me. I started to think of how certain people who I used to be friends with I don't see a sense of initiation on their part but more with others in their lives. I feel as if at times, I try to search for this familial feeling within people. At the same time, I don't want to be uberly dependent on others and want to assert my own independence/self-sufficiency. However, I can't help but feel this hollowing gap inside of me. I wish I could understand or know what it is that I need to feel completed inside of me. People always come and go in life. I wish I could find something that ensures a sense of stability in me and not allow me to feel like this. Some sense of certainty that I won't be alone. I just wish I could feel happy or something. All of my extended family that I feel I could close in on this feeling live halfway around the world. I might also be pmsing a little right now. I don't know why or how I started feeling like this..I just started to think certain thoughts. It could also just be me living at home now and not going out as much because I can't due to lack of driving skills and my mom being ridiculous of when I have to be home. Probably also a combination that it could be partially due to this guy I'm trying to figure out and with my realization today, maybe I should just guard my heart so it doesn't get broken by this player of a kid. In addition, it could be since this is the time all the kids are moving back to college. That feeling just hit me when I was cleaning up my room, packing away some suitcases and listening to the radio of hip hop/dance songs reminiscent of the background music when my roomies and I would go out to the bars. Oh man those memories. Around this time last year, I remember I went out with my girls 3 or 4 times in a row the first weekend of school and it was so much fun. Not that I condone doing that on a regular basis, but just those moments and that point in time that we could do that. Something along those lines. I don't know if I'm conveying what I'm trying to say fully. Whatever. Anyways, why am I feeling this? I wish I could find someone to talk to or something to make me feel better.

I was just reading this over and I've come to the realization that I think my writing sucks. I feel I was a better writer particularly when it came to essays and critical thinking passages. Ugh, I need to go back to school. Or start work already.

Friends and aquaintances

Long time since I've written in here. So today I saw a group of friends and people I haven't seen in long while. While it was nice to see some faces again, I sometimes wonder who I am really close with and who are my true friends. Sometimes I wish I had that ability to be able to connect with other people more. Aside from that, sometimes there's nuances I feel as someone on the outside looking in. I have this one friend who's personality and character comes across as someone who's antisocial and hates everyone. He doesn't really hate everyone, he just doesn't care. It seemed though as someone that most people remember and gave hugs to. It just made me feel how at the end of one school year people were talking about the people who they remembered and was close to and I wasn't really mentioned and was under the impression that I was closer to these people than maybe I really was.