Another semester has flown by. I was done with finals this past Tuesday. I did fine this semester academically with one class I'm upset by with my grade because the teacher sucks, but other than that things were merry in that department and my gpa is the highest it's ever been in college. Yesterday, I went to this toy sorting service thing at the Chandler Health Center. There was a roomful of toys to be sorted out to give to the kids who visit Santa at the Health Center. It wasn't bad. It just felt different from what I'm used to do with APO, because with APO if we were doing something like that, we all know each other and would have more fun together because of the fellowship aspect. Oh well c'est la vie.

One thing that has crossed my mind is that sometimes I wonder why I'm a psych major when I have strengths in other arenas, like English. I spent 5 times the amount of time studying for a psych exam and didn't really go over my compartive lit exam and got an A in the lit class. I don't get it. Growing up I was always stronger at English and humanities courses and found great joy in finding symbolism while reading literature. Perphaps it's the way my brain is wired? I want to do something with a career in which you need a psych major to do. There are certain events in my life that pushed me to study it and I feel, as corny as it may sounds, that I'm meant to do something in that field. Why can't I do a half decent job in my major after studying my ass off while I can half ass other classes and prevail in those? I feel though that I have some personal experiences with myself and have seen in others that would increase my empathy and has made me stronger as a person. Therefore, I think I would make do a good job in practice contrary to what I've shown acadmically in that subject. I don't know, I just hope everything will be ok with my life in terms of my future career. In my heart I know that I want to be a psychologist/do social service/community action projects/non-profit organization work. I guess we'll see what happens.

Summer 2006

Wow! Cannot believe that summer went by so quickly. I had a pretty productive one working at his Arts camp with urban New Brunswick youth. AMARD & V (Artists Mentoring Against Racism, Drugs and Violence) It was a lot of fun and a really eye opening experience. The kids were fun to work with, but also a handful at times. I learned things about society and buerocratics in even pro-social action institutions. Even in community service oriented/service learning/community arts/pro-active social institutions trying to make a difference, there will always be some element of micro politics. Explains my fraternity last semester. Haha! Seriously, despite some bumps in the roads, I'm glad I took on this experience. With my fraternity, communities and organizations go through cycles. With alot of the same people there over the years, they've gone through similar cycles that kept going in circles making it kind of a down point in their history, but I think next semester will be much better. Some people graduated, there'll be new people coming up who I think will bring things to the table. I'm looking forward to next semester with APO. Other than the camp, I caught up with some old friends this summer. And there's some I have yet to catch up with or most likely probably won't end up seeing as I'm having that feeling more and more as summer draws to a close. I guess also you start to distinguish who are your true friends from your past and "friends". I'm not really sure what to make of it, but I guess I'll also learn and realize more as time progresses. I'm really really grateful and happy for the people I've met and bonded with in college. It's already junior year and time felt like it flew by so quickly. I'm excited though with the exception of classes. Everything else will be fun, the moving in, decorating, seeing friends from campus that I haven't seen over the summer, and being in that environment before the rush of academics kicks in. I want to make it a good year. No, an awesome year. Try to enjoy everything there is and learn as much as I can.

Top 10 things to do before you turn 30

Enjoy your youth, be wild, and get it out of your system; here are the 10 things you should accomplish before 30.

Sitting here on the dark side of 30, I've been looking back fondly on my wild and woolly youth -- though some might describe it as mild and cottony. Anyway, I thought I would share some of my observations and opinions on important things to accomplish in those twentysomething years.

The things to accomplish during your 20s fulfill a few requirements:

• Doing your youth when you're young. There's nothing more embarrassing than some 50-year-old with his thinning gray hair pulled into a ponytail trying to re-live his youth. Get it out of your system now.
• No regrets. If you do the silly stuff when you are young, then later you won't regret what you might have missed.
• Good stories. Have some good times now, so you can regale your children with tales of your crazy youth.
• Growing up. The point of your 20s is to reach your 30s -- and by then, people will really be expecting you to act like a grown-up. So, you will need some experiences to teach you how to get there.

Don't panic: You can be hip when you're older -- it's just a different kind of hip. You'll understand when you get there.

1. Drive a wickedly cool car, even if you have to rent it. "Wickedly cool" is defined as any car that turns heads on the streets. They say life is a journey and you should enjoy the ride. Well, if that's the case, you might as well ride in style at least once. The best I ever did was a 6-year-old convertible, but hey, I was riding in style in Miami Beach.

2. Date against type. Better yet, date somebody "dangerous." Waking up tied to a bed with a person who has more tattoos than brains will give you stories to regale other members of the old-age home in your dotage. Also, dating "dangerous" types will make you realize what jerks they are -- and make you less likely to pass up a lifelong love affair with someone you're really compatible with.

Or if you already tend to date dangerous, then date someone your mother would like. What the heck, she might be right.

Similarly, I recommend dating someone much older than you. My age limit was no one older than my dad. Since he was 19 when I was born, I actually came pretty close twice. I learned a bit about mature relationships, appreciated someone with life experience ... and got to go to more-expensive restaurants!

3. See the world. It's much easier to do when you're 22 and footloose than 35 with two bawling babies in your backpack. Even if you never leave the United States, you'll see a good portion of the planet. Go cheap and travel light. This leaves you open to more adventures. Youth hostels are inexpensive and, even better, you'll meet tons of other adventurers there.

Seeing the world will broaden your horizons and make you a more interesting person. Plus interesting and funny things happen when you travel -- and remember, your 20s are your time to live the stories that you'll be telling for the rest of your life.

I still talk about the three months I spent after college driving through the Southwest United States. I worked as a volunteer at a National Park, visited the Grand Canyon twice and saw Muhammad Ali in Las Vegas, slept in my car at a highway rest area. I have more memories from that short time than from the next five years of work.

4. Live in a cool place. Maybe a loft in a trendy neighborhood "in transition," maybe just camped out on the beach in your van. Personally, I'm fond of the six months I lived on a sailboat when I was 25. Just think: no air conditioning, a lousy bathroom, mildew and lack of privacy. Yet everyone thought I was living some glamorous life. Later I lived in a one-bedroom apartment, and really appreciated the space. I still didn't have air conditioning but I was a 20-minute walk from the beach. Comfort isn't quite as important in your 20s as later ? take advantage of that fact.

5. If you're going to drink a lot, do it when you're young. Getting sick on cheap white wine after 30 is pretty pathetic. Young drunks sometimes get away with being "cute," though you may still have a lot of apologizing to do. Get this experimentation out of your system and you'll appreciate finer spirits when you get older.

6. Take risks with your job. I've noticed that most people end up changing direction in their careers after their 20s anyway, so, take the time to figure out what you want to do. There will be time enough to be a cubicle drone later.

Aim for the career you've dreamed of doing. If you have a chance to be a model or a dancer, go for it. Get the job in the big city. Volunteer to work on the big project that could make or break the company. Start up a smoothie business with your college buddy.

Or just have fun for now. You might want to be a bartender at the hottest club in town and pick up a lot of dates. Or take a low-paying job at the zoo just because you like animals. Later, when you've got the mortgage and 2.3 kids and a time share in Cocoa Beach, fun will be the last thing on your mind at the office. My husband still talks about having worked on a railroad on Mount Washington because it was a lot more fun than sitting at a desk every day as he does now.

7. Do something physically adventurous. And do it OUTSIDE! No one will ever be remembered for playing Nintendo or watching every single episode of "Friends." Enjoy your body while you're young, push it to its limits -?soon enough, you'll watch your muscles turn to flab and your rear end inflate like a rubber raft.

8. Take your parents to dinner. You'll probably have to struggle with your dad about paying the check, but this is one of those grown-up things to do. It gives you a chance to show your parents that you are an equal and that you are responsible. It's also a chance to show your appreciation for all those dinners they bought over the years.

9. Do volunteer work. You may be broke, but you can give your sweat and earnestness to a cause in which you believe. In addition to improving your world, you can allow yourself to be exposed to others in the world. Work in a soup kitchen and you'll appreciate your un-air-conditioned, one-bedroom apartment.

10. Use this decade to go to extremes. Climb the tallest mountain you can find. Picnic at midnight. Learn to sail. Talk to strangers. Road trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Take a midnight drive to the beach -?then stick around for dawn.

Sounds like your 20s are pretty fun.

But don't think this means the rest of your life will be a drag. My point is to take advantage of what you have: energy, idealism, enthusiasm, a willingness to experiment, a lack of encumbrances, a desire to learn and grow. Enjoy your 20s -- and you'll be better able to appreciate the next stage.

hm...

So this summer is going by quite nicely. It's nice to relax and enjoy myself after the school year and having some downtime. Last Saturday was Rillo's graduation party. It was fun! It was nice to see some APO peops. Good food, nice times, watching in amusement of drunk people doing kareoke and then walking away so to not get wrapped in the chaos, a good conversation with Reeta, seeing Biggie and Frank. I probably wouldn've enjoyed it better if my chest wasn't feeling wierd, but it was still fun. Tomorrow is Lindsay's party! Woo-hoo!

Lately I've just been thinking about a number of things in my life and where I'm going and what not. Sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing with myself and where I'm going. I could be partly the fact that I'm not working and maybe getting antsy in addition to having a lot of time for myself. My summer program thing doesn't start until mid-ish July, if mid-ish is a word. I look around me and it seems like everyone around my age are doing something, working somewhere and setting themselves up financially. My mom is just telling me, oh, don't worry about. You don't have to work, just sit back, relax, do nothing. It is nice though, but I kind of sort of want to do something. I'm not complaining because it could always be worse. Sometimes I find jobs I could do, but I don't have a way of getting there. Boo : ( I've started looking at grad schools lately, and that also looks "boo : ( ". I don't know where I'm going to end up, and some of the programs I've been looking at look really competitive. I still have some time though to raise my GPA and build up more things on my resume, so not all hope is lost, but I have my work cut out for me and I need to focus even more. I also started thinking about things around the end of the school year, and trying to figure out what "living it up" is. Is it having a grand time and partying it out? Is it doing everything you want to do in your life? I have enjoyed some of college so far, but I feel like there is more out there for me to experience. I just don't want to leave here with any regrets, wishing I had done this or that or done more. I don't know. The other day, I made a list of things I want to do before I graduate, and maybe I'll make a list of things I want to do in life. Perhaps I'm being too idealistic. Or perhaps it's time for me to sieze the day. Carpe diem. Well, I don't know. I just hope to enjoy this summer and everything else. I'm still deciding whether or not to commute or live during the summmer thing. We'll see. Maybe I'm worrying too much. Maybe I should do something. Maybe it's not that bad. I just hope everything works out ok with alot of the stuff I've been thinking aobut.

Observing current events and evaluating myself

Ahh summer. How good it feels.

Tonight I went to old high school's choir concert. Overall, they sounded pretty good. Treble choir was much smaller and they kind of mixed it up with less people being in jazz choir. They sometimes sounded softer with the smaller groups, but overall, it was good and sounded in tune. Now I see how old I am, since I didn't recognize most of the choir being a lot of youngins and newbies, and most of the people I did know had graduated. Sort of wierd.

Sometimes I wonder and question how independent I am. I was thinking of getting a job, but then I'm afraid that I'm going to be in this catch 22, since my mom wants me to just stay at home and relax, and I'm afraid she's going to get mad at me for getting a job. Seems wierd, but I guess I sort of don't know how to explain it. I don't drive either : ( Well, I don't have much time now to continue to write in here, so I'll write later and eat now.

I got in!

I can't believe I got in!

May 1, 2006

Dear Ame,

We are delighted to inform you that you have been selected to participate
in the IWL Community Leadership, Action and Service Project (CLASP). You
have been selected to work with the Institute for Arts and Humanities
Education's AMARD Program. As one of a select number of students chosen to
be a CLASP participant, you will have access to many of the excellent
resources and opportunities available through the Institute for Women’s
Leadership.

We are sending some materials about the program for your review in the
mail, including a description of the program requirements and a schedule.
Please review the program requirements and the schedule closely, and if
you believe you can fulfill them, sign the letter of agreement and return
it by May 15th, along with the questionnaire. Before accepting this spot,
make sure you are fully committed to fulfilling the requirements.

Congratulations, and welcome to the program. We look forward to working
with you over the summer months.

Sincerely,

Judith Simms & Cynthia S. Gorman
Community Leadership, Action & Service Project

contemplation

Hello world. Well, some ups and downs since my last post, but i'm doing better i hope now. Where to start. Last night was senior eulogies. I realized how i might not be as close with other people I may have thought. Oh well. What can you do. In addition to being the emotional person I am, I just bawled at everything even if it wasn't directly related to me. I just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. A friend of mine called up concerned of how i've been doing and said things that I can see where she is coming from with her suggestions and concern. I think if I was someone looking on the outside of someone like me, I could see some of her suggestions. I've been through harder times in my life though in comparison, so I how I've been feeling that one week is actually kind of minor in comparison. However, I was surprised at myself of how emotional I felt that week. And it sure as hell wasn't PMS. I just need to take a deep breather. Get things in perspective. Maybe talk to others. I don't know. I don't even know sometimes where things come from. Also this week my allergies were killer recently, and I just started taking some Claritan D, and it made me feel better. As far as emotionally, I hope everything will be ok. Sometimes I look at my past, and see how much it has influenced me. They say everything happens for a reason and everything has a purpose, even if you can't see it at the moment. I hope so. I see the stigma in mental illness looking at my extended family's reaction and that indian mentality. I'm sure it's not an indian thing, mental illness is just stigmitized in general. I've seen that and want to change people's minds about that, even though it sounds mad corny. It's one of the reasons I'm majoring in psychology. Man, some psych classes can be hard, like freaking physio, but that's a whole can of worms of other worries. I see other people majoring in psych, and some I think are studying it for the right reasons, but I feel there may be others that are having it as their major as their default, because it seems easy and they don't know what else to major. I mean, it could also just be a popular major because it can be interesting, learning about the human mind and something we can use in our everyday lives with our interactions with each other. Then again, those people that are majoring in it but seem uncertain if they are going to use it for helping people kind of frustrates me, because it is more competition. At the same time, who am I to judge what other's intentions and goals are. But still..you know where I'm coming from right? Well yeah. I just wanted to ramble about something that can help me get some perspective and self-understanding, but I'm not sure what exactly I'm getting to through all this.

Anyways, I just want certainty and sure stability in my future, even though you don't know what life can bring you and sometimes you have to roll with the punches. Someone told me that things that you don't know why is happening to you and challenging you is because it is testing you, of your strength, character, maybe faith if you believe in that and could perhaps be to make you stronger for certain things you will deal in the future. I think there may be some truth in that. Life hasn't come full circle, but at the same time, I'm young, growing, still seaching myself and only 20 years old. I'm remember joking with others and other comments and hear, man, 20 is soo old! Oh man I'm so old dude! 20 is not an old age now I realize just because you're no longer a teenager. It's a really young age in the whole perspective of things of seeing stuff right now in this way. Another thing that I've seen is that I've lost respect for some older brothers or what not. At the same time, if you look at it in another way, they are still growing people even though they are part of the older crowd in the college spectrum of things. They are people in their early 20s still growing and are going to see the real world soon. Yeah, the real world might be scary, and I think that transition from college to the real world may be a challenge for me because I know how I can be and my proclivity to act and feel that way in those certain situations. It is some time from now, but at the same time it's only 2 years away unless I become a 5th year which I hope I don't become. Anyways, I just hope everything will be ok. It mulled over me some of the things my friend told me. I mean, I might be ok, but I don't know if I should ask for outside help. I'm not so bad and I feel much better now.

I have feel so drained from school, allergies, APO and life. It's almost all over, fortunately and unfortunately. I just hope I find something constructive to do over the summer. I don't want to waste it away again. I just want to find something, anything to do. I wish I could find something I could do and get to, since I don't have a car and can't really drive. Work, volunteering, internships even though it's probably too late to find those. I don't care anymore just something, anything.

I hope everything will be ok. I have to make it ok for myself too though. We'll see what happens.

Depresses again. What else is new?

It doesn't matter what association I've felt. I can't live up to other people's expecations. I don't meet. I don't compare. Things I've planned don't have desired results..and not that that is such a bad thing because sometimes things don't go the way you plan, but I put effort into something that ends up taxing on myself. It's not worth it anymore.

Oh my goodness I'm so mad. I just typed an entry and accidently hit a button that deleted most of my entry right now and what's left is my previous paragraph. See how things aren't going my way already? I should just end everything here.

: (

I've been feeling pretty down and lonely lately.

Dancing Disappointments

I felt so depressed before because I tried out for the Mason Gross B.A. degree in dance audtions today. I think my form was ok, but the fact I messed alot made me really upset. I can do the moves, just that I know I can't pick up as quickly, so there'll be moments I'm unsure of what to do and then I mess up because I do the wrong move. I didn't realize there was no tondu's to the back. I'm gonna overanalyze everything I do now even though I'm sure probably someone who might read this might not care, but I'm just going over it for my sake. I don't even remember what we started. Something with our arms. Oh, now I remember, bending over to the front, side and diagnol. That didn't seem to bad, but with the tondu's and degajay's (sp?), I wasn't sure which way sometimes when to point my feet when we first started. There were moments where I think I may have put up or down my arms too soon or too late. And the arabesques, I hadn't even used that muscle in a while so when I brought my leg up in back...aaaa! It sucks. And you're supposed to have your whole body in alignment, when you do point your feet or raise your leg to the side, but I couldn't help but tilt just a bit, becauase staying up straight needs more balance. And I did terribly at first when we did the routine we just learned across the floor, because I went to soon on the 4th count of 3 and went into the attitude rather than holding and then I noticed the other girls behind me were still in splace. It sucked. I messed up too on the second time but I forgot what I did. When we were practicing and learning it in the center, I turned the wrong way and went to my right rather than left. I least I got it by the time we were doing it across the floor in threes. Oh, and I kind of stopped at the end because I forgot what he told us of how much we had to do, but I might have been right b/c we only had to do two set of 6's. Oh wait, maybe we did have to do 3 set of 6's. I don't remember. I did notice tho that the next set of 3 girls only went after one count of 6 instead of the 2 set of 6's that the instructor asked us. Maybe I should've went later after 2 sets, but then I didn't want to look out of sync, even though I might have been right. At least by the third time I got the routine down pat when I did it across the floor. The jumps with our legs up were fun but I missed a step going across the left side. OO, and when we were relevaing (sp?), we had to move our head's focus to another part of the room, and at one point my feet gave way with the heels going onto the side, and I was like, dammnit. By the middle of the auditionn I was like, fuck it, I probably didn't get in since I messed up so much. Oh, and when we had to drop one hand, in this case the left hand while still holding our balance and relevaying, I just dropped my left and plopped it down kind of abrubtly as it hit my thigh sloppily. Dammnit. I mean, I know that I may have messed up, and I can't pick things up as quickly sometimes, and I shouldn't care what other people think, but the fact that other girls saw me mess up and will probably say something to each other is what upsets me. Even when I was outside texting I think on the phone, and I think I heard a girl on my modern class saying to someone else walking out, that's the girl who messed up or something. Shut up. I know I messed up and got depressed and cried, but I know sometimes my form was ok and was better than some of the girls there. If only I could pick things up very quickly and perceptively, I would've been able to nail it. If the girls who I know I think got in and didn't get in, that means I know what the program is looking for and I know what I need to work on. I felt better afterwards when I had lunch with Frank and started talking and got things off my mind. Just depressing with this failure, and it'll be a surpise if I get in. I feel a little better now. But the fact that I didn't do up to par of what they may expect upsets me. If I did get in I'm sure other girls would all be like, how'd she get in, and stuff like that. Whatever. I'm so sad. I wish I could prove my self to them, because deep down I think I really do have it, just fine tuning in certain arenas in perception and perhaps other things too that I may not be aware of.