Dancing Disappointments

I felt so depressed before because I tried out for the Mason Gross B.A. degree in dance audtions today. I think my form was ok, but the fact I messed alot made me really upset. I can do the moves, just that I know I can't pick up as quickly, so there'll be moments I'm unsure of what to do and then I mess up because I do the wrong move. I didn't realize there was no tondu's to the back. I'm gonna overanalyze everything I do now even though I'm sure probably someone who might read this might not care, but I'm just going over it for my sake. I don't even remember what we started. Something with our arms. Oh, now I remember, bending over to the front, side and diagnol. That didn't seem to bad, but with the tondu's and degajay's (sp?), I wasn't sure which way sometimes when to point my feet when we first started. There were moments where I think I may have put up or down my arms too soon or too late. And the arabesques, I hadn't even used that muscle in a while so when I brought my leg up in back...aaaa! It sucks. And you're supposed to have your whole body in alignment, when you do point your feet or raise your leg to the side, but I couldn't help but tilt just a bit, becauase staying up straight needs more balance. And I did terribly at first when we did the routine we just learned across the floor, because I went to soon on the 4th count of 3 and went into the attitude rather than holding and then I noticed the other girls behind me were still in splace. It sucked. I messed up too on the second time but I forgot what I did. When we were practicing and learning it in the center, I turned the wrong way and went to my right rather than left. I least I got it by the time we were doing it across the floor in threes. Oh, and I kind of stopped at the end because I forgot what he told us of how much we had to do, but I might have been right b/c we only had to do two set of 6's. Oh wait, maybe we did have to do 3 set of 6's. I don't remember. I did notice tho that the next set of 3 girls only went after one count of 6 instead of the 2 set of 6's that the instructor asked us. Maybe I should've went later after 2 sets, but then I didn't want to look out of sync, even though I might have been right. At least by the third time I got the routine down pat when I did it across the floor. The jumps with our legs up were fun but I missed a step going across the left side. OO, and when we were relevaing (sp?), we had to move our head's focus to another part of the room, and at one point my feet gave way with the heels going onto the side, and I was like, dammnit. By the middle of the auditionn I was like, fuck it, I probably didn't get in since I messed up so much. Oh, and when we had to drop one hand, in this case the left hand while still holding our balance and relevaying, I just dropped my left and plopped it down kind of abrubtly as it hit my thigh sloppily. Dammnit. I mean, I know that I may have messed up, and I can't pick things up as quickly sometimes, and I shouldn't care what other people think, but the fact that other girls saw me mess up and will probably say something to each other is what upsets me. Even when I was outside texting I think on the phone, and I think I heard a girl on my modern class saying to someone else walking out, that's the girl who messed up or something. Shut up. I know I messed up and got depressed and cried, but I know sometimes my form was ok and was better than some of the girls there. If only I could pick things up very quickly and perceptively, I would've been able to nail it. If the girls who I know I think got in and didn't get in, that means I know what the program is looking for and I know what I need to work on. I felt better afterwards when I had lunch with Frank and started talking and got things off my mind. Just depressing with this failure, and it'll be a surpise if I get in. I feel a little better now. But the fact that I didn't do up to par of what they may expect upsets me. If I did get in I'm sure other girls would all be like, how'd she get in, and stuff like that. Whatever. I'm so sad. I wish I could prove my self to them, because deep down I think I really do have it, just fine tuning in certain arenas in perception and perhaps other things too that I may not be aware of.