contemplation

Hello world. Well, some ups and downs since my last post, but i'm doing better i hope now. Where to start. Last night was senior eulogies. I realized how i might not be as close with other people I may have thought. Oh well. What can you do. In addition to being the emotional person I am, I just bawled at everything even if it wasn't directly related to me. I just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. A friend of mine called up concerned of how i've been doing and said things that I can see where she is coming from with her suggestions and concern. I think if I was someone looking on the outside of someone like me, I could see some of her suggestions. I've been through harder times in my life though in comparison, so I how I've been feeling that one week is actually kind of minor in comparison. However, I was surprised at myself of how emotional I felt that week. And it sure as hell wasn't PMS. I just need to take a deep breather. Get things in perspective. Maybe talk to others. I don't know. I don't even know sometimes where things come from. Also this week my allergies were killer recently, and I just started taking some Claritan D, and it made me feel better. As far as emotionally, I hope everything will be ok. Sometimes I look at my past, and see how much it has influenced me. They say everything happens for a reason and everything has a purpose, even if you can't see it at the moment. I hope so. I see the stigma in mental illness looking at my extended family's reaction and that indian mentality. I'm sure it's not an indian thing, mental illness is just stigmitized in general. I've seen that and want to change people's minds about that, even though it sounds mad corny. It's one of the reasons I'm majoring in psychology. Man, some psych classes can be hard, like freaking physio, but that's a whole can of worms of other worries. I see other people majoring in psych, and some I think are studying it for the right reasons, but I feel there may be others that are having it as their major as their default, because it seems easy and they don't know what else to major. I mean, it could also just be a popular major because it can be interesting, learning about the human mind and something we can use in our everyday lives with our interactions with each other. Then again, those people that are majoring in it but seem uncertain if they are going to use it for helping people kind of frustrates me, because it is more competition. At the same time, who am I to judge what other's intentions and goals are. But still..you know where I'm coming from right? Well yeah. I just wanted to ramble about something that can help me get some perspective and self-understanding, but I'm not sure what exactly I'm getting to through all this.

Anyways, I just want certainty and sure stability in my future, even though you don't know what life can bring you and sometimes you have to roll with the punches. Someone told me that things that you don't know why is happening to you and challenging you is because it is testing you, of your strength, character, maybe faith if you believe in that and could perhaps be to make you stronger for certain things you will deal in the future. I think there may be some truth in that. Life hasn't come full circle, but at the same time, I'm young, growing, still seaching myself and only 20 years old. I'm remember joking with others and other comments and hear, man, 20 is soo old! Oh man I'm so old dude! 20 is not an old age now I realize just because you're no longer a teenager. It's a really young age in the whole perspective of things of seeing stuff right now in this way. Another thing that I've seen is that I've lost respect for some older brothers or what not. At the same time, if you look at it in another way, they are still growing people even though they are part of the older crowd in the college spectrum of things. They are people in their early 20s still growing and are going to see the real world soon. Yeah, the real world might be scary, and I think that transition from college to the real world may be a challenge for me because I know how I can be and my proclivity to act and feel that way in those certain situations. It is some time from now, but at the same time it's only 2 years away unless I become a 5th year which I hope I don't become. Anyways, I just hope everything will be ok. It mulled over me some of the things my friend told me. I mean, I might be ok, but I don't know if I should ask for outside help. I'm not so bad and I feel much better now.

I have feel so drained from school, allergies, APO and life. It's almost all over, fortunately and unfortunately. I just hope I find something constructive to do over the summer. I don't want to waste it away again. I just want to find something, anything to do. I wish I could find something I could do and get to, since I don't have a car and can't really drive. Work, volunteering, internships even though it's probably too late to find those. I don't care anymore just something, anything.

I hope everything will be ok. I have to make it ok for myself too though. We'll see what happens.